I had written this post weeks ago. Somehow I deleted it. It was devastating, and discouraging. I had to take some time to recover…
Words in this blog may be triggering, especially for those who have a history of rape/sexual assault and/or relationship/domestic violence.
Virginity
This is a very difficult topic for me. One of the hardest things to think about. I’ve never been able to discuss it.
But I want to know – Where is my virginity?
I’ve been told by so many people that your virginity is something you give – not something that can be taken, although the act was incredibly…invasive. And I believe that – I fully do. My struggle, though, is that it was my boyfriend who raped me. And in everything my parents’ religion taught me, I put myself in the situation. I “knew” that being alone with a boy would result in sin. Par la par I “asked” for it.
So in my twisted view, we had made a mistake. And I stayed with him. And he became violent. But I stayed with him, still. Because I loved him. Because he was now part of me. And in this time, in this relationship…there were times that I wanted him. That I wanted to be with him. It makes me sick to tell you these words. To know that they’re true. So in that sense…did I also give my virginity to the man who raped me?
Or if not him, then who? The guy I drunkenly but very intentionally had a one night stand with, in an effort to get past my sensibilities that I should only ever be with one person? I don’t even remember his name…
And I don’t know why I care so much – I can’t explain it. Isn’t it a societal thing that makes it so important to me? If it’s no longer religious, isn’t it just because everyone else thinks it’s important? Or waits for someone “special”? But isn’t that just what we’re told? I don’t even know if I make sense anymore. I just wish I knew…sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I don’t even know what to think. I just know that even if it wasn’t societally important…it makes me hurt to think that it’s possible I gave it to that monster.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape/sexual assault or sexual abuse, I would encourage them to seek help.
Survivor Confessions 